Ponder Question #2 How does your agenda reflect your child's agenda?

One of the signs of real love is when you can understand what's on the other person's agenda and put it on the top of your own agenda.

As parents, we have important things on our agenda.  We need to keep the house clean, pay bills, fix food, wash clothes, and do scores of chores. These things aren't necessarily what we want to do--they're required to keep the home in working order.  In addition, we have an agenda for our child's behavior:  no burping, no fighting, no bad words, yes on doing chores and homework and on minding their please and thank yous. Our agenda is important.

Children also have their agenda.  We'll discuss two major headings on their agendas.  1) They need to discover how the world works, and how people work. Like little scientists, they can only find good information by doing experiments and repeating these experiments over and over to see if the results are consistent.  If put into words, the experiments might have titles like, "If something is dropped from a high place (such as a high chair) does it always fall down?  Does it make a sound?  Does it stay in one piece or splatter?" and, "If mom tells me to do something (or not do something) what would happen if I disobeyed?" and, "What is around the corner and down the street?" 2) Second on their agenda is mastery, in which they master the skills of how to get things done, using the information gathered in the above experiments.  Examples are, "I need to learn how to get my own clothes on and off without help from anyone", "I need to learn how to be a leader in getting other people to help me do stuff," (this is often mislabeled as manipulation) and "I need to be able to make my own choices and decisions in life." There are hundreds of examples more. 

Just like the adult agenda, a child's agenda isn't frivolous or meaningless.  They can't build a solid life without good information and the mastery of many skills.  They stick to their agenda like glue.  That's when your one year old repeatedly drops mashed potatoes on the floor, and your two year old repeatedly disobeys you and your three year old keeps going exploring down the street--and on up through the years.  Just imagine how unlucky the child would be who never learned that gravity pulls things downward, or to be able to say 'no' to a pushy person, or to make a decision, or to have enough bravery and curiosity to look around the corner.  The things that children are learning are foundations to a healthy life, and are very, very important. 

A high percentage of parental mistakes involve pushing the parent's agenda and ignoring the child's agenda.  Whenever we find ourselves saying, "NO!" repeatedly, or snared in a struggle for power, it is a good bet that we haven't been sensitive to our child's agenda.  This can be solved by figuring out their agenda and putting it high on our own agenda for them to learn what they are trying to learn, and master what they are trying to master. When our agenda reflects our child's agenda, we help them progress.  We eliminate much of the negative in our relationships.  We create a relationship in which our child feels that we are on his/her team.

Sometimes this is easy.  It doesn't take much to put a ball or teething toy on the high chair so that baby can throw it down repeatedly (and we pick it up repeatedly).  They get to learn about gravity, and we don't have to clean peaches off of the floor as much.  Both agendas are at work, and it actually takes less time and effort to play this game than to keep cleaning up the floor.  For the child who needs to practice making his/her own choices, it's easy to say, "It's time for jammies.  You get to pick which ones to wear.  I wonder what you'll pick tonight!" The child gets to practice making choices, and you get the night routine moving: both agendas again.  It's actually easier to do it that way than to ignore the child's agenda by saying, "Go get in your jammies," and then spending 10 minutes arguing about it, as your child practices making choices by choosing not to get pajamas on. 

Sometimes it's not so easy, and actually takes a little time and energy to put our child's agenda high on our agenda.  For our little explorer, we might have to take a 30 minute break and go for a walk around the corner, stopping to observe the ants and the construction workers along the way.  This small gift of love to our child will make a big difference in the relationship and in the mental health of both parties. Plus, in the end it really is easier to do this than it is to have a 30 minute freak-out when the child goes missing.  And what about our little contrary child who wants to disobey everything we say?  In this case, it only takes a little mental energy to figure out how to let him/her practice saying "no" in a way that works for our agenda, too.  Here are two examples to get you started.  1) Play Simon Says.  In the game, your child has permission to disobey you anytime that you don't say "Simon Says."  2) Be playful.  When it's time to pick up toys, you might say in your silly voice, "Oh, no you don't!  I know what you're trying to do!  You want to pick up these toys.  But you better not.  You better not touch these toys and put them away.  Ooh!  You put one away!  Stop that right this minute!"  etc.  Your kid will probably be laughing and the toys get put away. 

Figuring out what is on our child's agenda and placing it on our own agenda takes practice.  It's something you can master.  Yes, even as adults we keep on mastering skills and learning things throughout our lives.   All you have to do is just keep doing it over and over!  Pretty soon it gets easier and you get better at it.

When you place your child's agenda on your own agenda, you will have a happier child and you will find greater satisfaction than ever in your parenting.  You and your child will have the feeling that you are a team instead of rivals, and your child will master social and other skills more quickly and fully.  Your family will be more joyful.  So...how does your agenda reflect your child's agenda?

Ponder Question #1 What are your child's eyes telling you?

A master mechanic will listen to a car very carefully.  A master greenthumb will carefully look at the leaves of a plant and feel the soil.  They know better what to do after gathering information.  As a parent, if you hone your observation skills, you will greatly improve your success.  Your child's eyes hold a wealth of information about her emotional state.  Observe those eyes closely.  Then notice the rest of her: her face, her shoulders, and all of her body language.  Connect with the feelings you see there, and your heart will help you know what to do.

We'll let Craig tell a story here:  "There was a pivotal moment in my life that happened back when we were parenting from a position of power and control, but had started to try to change.  One of our children had done something to displease me.  I decided to show him who was boss, and scolded him angrily and dragged him over to the corner, ordering him to stay there until I said he could leave.  It was a kind of mistaken parenting strategy that I had tried many times in an attempt to make him be the way I thought he should be.  For some reason, on this day, I looked into his face and registered what I saw.  He was deeply hurt, and he was deeply angry.  My stomach fell.  I knew he wasn't just pretending to be hurt to manipulate me.  Instead, I could sense deep in my heart that I was creating a dark relationship with my child.  What I was doing was wrong and hurtful to him.  I was filling him with anger and resentment, and I knew that these feelings would erode our relationship unless I figured out a way to be a better parent.  The haunting memory of his eyes helped cement my resolve to keep trying to be the parent that my child deserved.  After a lot of work and a lot of help from God, I am happy to say that this child and I have a warm and happy relationship."

Anytime that you look at your child and connect with the feelings you see there, you will get crucial information that will help you be a better parent.  In the example above, just think how much better it would have been if we had made that connection at the moment the child misbehaved.  Then the problem could have been resolved more quickly and with less fallout.  If the child had been acting out angrily, we might have said, "You're angry.  Let's figure out how we can solve this problem."  If the child had been trying to get attention, we might have said, "We haven't been doing anything fun for a while.  It's time to play a game."  And the list could go on of responses that might have been helpful, depending on what the child's eyes were telling us at the moment.

In order to know what to do as a parent, you need to connect to your child.  Notice carefully. Then follow your heart.  So...what are your child's eyes telling you?