A master mechanic will listen to a car very carefully. A master greenthumb will carefully look at the leaves of a plant and feel the soil. They know better what to do after gathering information. As a parent, if you hone your observation skills, you will greatly improve your success. Your child's eyes hold a wealth of information about her emotional state. Observe those eyes closely. Then notice the rest of her: her face, her shoulders, and all of her body language. Connect with the feelings you see there, and your heart will help you know what to do.
We'll let Craig tell a story here: "There was a pivotal moment in my life that happened back when we were parenting from a position of power and control, but had started to try to change. One of our children had done something to displease me. I decided to show him who was boss, and scolded him angrily and dragged him over to the corner, ordering him to stay there until I said he could leave. It was a kind of mistaken parenting strategy that I had tried many times in an attempt to make him be the way I thought he should be. For some reason, on this day, I looked into his face and registered what I saw. He was deeply hurt, and he was deeply angry. My stomach fell. I knew he wasn't just pretending to be hurt to manipulate me. Instead, I could sense deep in my heart that I was creating a dark relationship with my child. What I was doing was wrong and hurtful to him. I was filling him with anger and resentment, and I knew that these feelings would erode our relationship unless I figured out a way to be a better parent. The haunting memory of his eyes helped cement my resolve to keep trying to be the parent that my child deserved. After a lot of work and a lot of help from God, I am happy to say that this child and I have a warm and happy relationship."
Anytime that you look at your child and connect with the feelings you see there, you will get crucial information that will help you be a better parent. In the example above, just think how much better it would have been if we had made that connection at the moment the child misbehaved. Then the problem could have been resolved more quickly and with less fallout. If the child had been acting out angrily, we might have said, "You're angry. Let's figure out how we can solve this problem." If the child had been trying to get attention, we might have said, "We haven't been doing anything fun for a while. It's time to play a game." And the list could go on of responses that might have been helpful, depending on what the child's eyes were telling us at the moment.
In order to know what to do as a parent, you need to connect to your child. Notice carefully. Then follow your heart. So...what are your child's eyes telling you?
It is interesting that when we take time to actually listen to and observe our children our responses will be very different. I've learned that most perceived misbehavior is either an attempt by the child to get attention that he/she needs or that he/she is exploring his environment and relationships. Thanks for your added perspective.
ReplyDelete